IVF story, Uncategorized

The third cycle

Yup. You read that right. I haven’t gone mad and missed an IVF cycle. I mean, I have missed a section, the second fresh cycle which gave us Logan. But as we know the outcome to that one, I thought I would pause that story for now and tell you the most recent news.

From our second IVF cycle, we had one embryo frozen. We knew from the moment it happened we would have to try it, or we would forever have a what if hanging over our head. As Logan’s first birthday approached, we knew come September the letter would be coming through for renewal of the storage of the embryo. At £350 a year with our clinic, we felt rather than pay again we would just move forward and get the ball rolling.

We had an appointment with the clinic and signed the paperwork for a frozen transfer (FET) on the 10th of May. We were lucky enough to have our first and second cycle funded on the NHS, but as we are now lucky enough to have a child, all future treatment is self funded. The consultation alone was £200. But we had taken that step and we were set. We had the medication delivered two weeks later for our medicated FET. Another £200 spent. We also had to have some bloodwork done, another £212. Each.

That’s some serious money spent already and we hadn’t even got on to the treatment.

I also had some blood tests done via my doctors surgery to check my thyroid level, as there is some research that shows an imbalance in the thyroid can have an adverse effect on early pregnancy. I haven’t looked into the research I will be honest, but I accepted the clinics advice on it. My thyroid levels came back at 2.82. I therefore had to have a further blood test for more detailed analysis, my doctors wouldn’t offer this as officially my thyroid level is considered normal (anything between 0.5 and 4 according to my GP is normal) but for IVF it isn’t normal and needed checking before we could proceed. £40.50 to the clinic and a blood test later it was just a waiting game for the result.

In the mean time, 4th June (Logan’s birthday of all days…) my period started. This signalled day 1 of our treatment. FET is much more gentle on the body than a full fresh cycle but it still involves medication that plays with your hormones and injections again. I therefore started the treatment even though we weren’t sure if it could continue if my thyroid levels would be an issue. Also £1400 paid to the clinic to fund the FET.

On 19th June I finally got the confirmation that the extra levels (TPO antibodies – whatever they may be…) were within range and I was given the OK to continue the treatment.

20th June and the injections began, all the memories and fears came flooding back. I felt quite good this time, the fresh cycles had left me so poorly but this time I didn’t feel any different.

2nd July and I had my first baseline scan to check for quiet ovaries and to see the womb lining. All was where it should be and they were happy. 17th July was our second baseline scan, again my ovaries were nice and quiet and my womb lining was looking good. Transfer date set for 24th July.

24th July came and I was terrified… What if it didn’t defrost properly? What if it dies now? What if it is really poor and can no longer be transferred? We didn’t get a call to say anything had happened thankfully so we headed to the clinic for 12pm with my bladder filling as required.

This is us waiting for the transfer – note the beautiful gown and shoe covers 😂

Bladder very full by this point… We went for the transfer. I had had some spotting a couple of days before and so they did a quick scan to check the lining first. The consultant said my lining was very good and ready for transfer. The embryologist came and said on freezing our embryo was 4bc, on defrost it hadn’t lost anything but was a 3bc as it hadn’t fully expanded but we were told this would happen inside. Embryo was transferred, and I was blissfully PUPO – pregnant until proven otherwise.

This is the scan of the transfer. Its hard to see but in the big white ball in the miffke there is a white speck / dash. That is our beautiful embryo in its home.

Then came the wait. I thought it would be an easier wait having the distraction of Logan but honestly it was the hardest one! Time seemed to stand still.

I had some spotting, but as I had spotting on both my failed and successful cycle, I couldn’t read much into it. At 9dp5dt, a day earlier than official test day, we took a test.

Negative.

In a weird way, its kind of what I was expecting. I hoped it wasn’t the case but I kind of felt it would be the case. I have seen far more negative tests than positives in my life – I did a lot of tests with Logan, was a bit of a buzz getting those 2 pink lines!

I was gutted. We did the official test a day later. Negative. I knew it was over. My heart was broken. We had put 8 weeks into trying to get Logan a sibling and to grow out family. That single line on a test is a killer. We had nothing left in the freezer and had spent nearly £2500 with nothing to show for it 💔

I instantly started looking into the cost of fresh cycles of IVF. I found a 2 cycle option through the clinic, which would have worked out to be nearly £10k with medication. That’s a lot of money which we simply don’t have. We could find it, but that would be at the expense of holidays and adventures with Logan. And again there’s no guarantees any of the treatment would work. The thought of spending that much money and to deprive Logan of living his best life made me feel sick.

Then I thought harder. I remembered how demanding on time a fresh cycle is. I remembered how poorly it made me. I remembered how it consumed all of me. I didn’t have anyone else depending on me then, but I do now. And my goodness he’s the most important thing to me! To think I would miss a second of him growing up to try for a sibling that may not happen makes me sad.

So we have made a decision. We won’t be trying for anymore babies. It’s heartbreaking I will never go through pregnancy again and Logan will never have a sibling but in all honesty, we are happy as we are. I love spending 100% of my time and attention on Logan. I love he won’t ever have to share me. I love all the thoughts of holidays and adventures we can go on as a family of 3. It’s not the path we would have chosen but it’s now a path that’s right for us.

Not only that, I can get back to being me. Something I’ve not been for so long! I can eat and drink what I want. I don’t have to worry about making plans in the future incase I’m having treatment or I’m pregnant. My body is now my own to get into the best shape it can be.

Our future looks amazing 💖 we have Logan. He is more than we ever thought we would have and we are so lucky and blessed to have him as our son. I can’t even put into words how much I love him!

Infertility will always be there like a shadow, it’s never going to leave me. But I can now draw a line under this giant segment of my life, 7 years of trying and investigations and treatment and its finally all done.

I am always here if anyone ever wants to chat about infertility or IVF. My inbox is always open and you can find me on Instagram @samjamist to see what we get up to in our adventures, along with posts here!

💖

3 thoughts on “The third cycle”

  1. Hi samjamist, oh dear I found your story so sad but brave at the same time. I was sitting on the edge of my chair… all sounded very familiar, because we also still have an embryo in the freezer… I am so happy for you that you have at least 1 kid already and I know he will be spoiled with love. 🙂 the 3 of you look very happy. I just begun writing a blog as well on trying to become pregnant with endometriosis. You can follow me in case you want to check it out: http://tryingwithendometriosis.blog. All the best, emmanuelle

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry this little embryo didn’t work out for you, but it does sound like you have found peace with the outcome. I think you just reach a point where you know.

    For us it was our third fresh round. Our first ended before collection because I hyperstimulated and was very poorly. Our second gave us four embryos but I miscarried the pregnancy with the two that stuck. By the time we started the third fresh round we knew that this was it and if it didn’t work we’d not be going for another round. It’s sort of bittersweet because you’re mourning the loss of what might have been, but getting a bit of freedom back at the same time.

    Cait @ Of Needles and Noodles

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think I’m still on a bit of a roller-coaster… Some days I feel 100% acceptance of our decision, other days I’m desperate to try again… Its such a mind game! I know deep down I’m making the right choice but it’s still not easy 💔 xxx

      Like

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